The Trouble With Love Is...

Another adventure with my love, it is crazy to think in our time together we have gone on road trips, travelled across the country, and share a bed in a small space, yet its perfect with him next to me. I bet he does not even know how much each of these adventures have meant to me. What he has brought to my life. How I couldn't possibly ever want to go anywhere without him. Alas, we are different. Like Venus and Mars. However, like all planets in the solar system we somehow seem to spin in a constellation that always leads me back to him. 

The tattered man in my life has had a tough one, from a childhood with a less than perfect homelife to an adult who was insecure and scared. People have betrayed him he has loved and been hurt. So much so that he has this constant guard, like he is waiting for something to go wrong. I often wonder if he does not believe he is worthy of true love. As if he somehow believes that it is not possible for someone, me, to love him damaged, and scared. I do though so much so it scares me more than he knows. 

Our story is one for the ages, from how we met to where we are now. Admittedly, I am not proud of how we met, it was a dating app so to say, but not one of those where you are looking for love. We were both in a vastly different places in our lives back then. Both of us facing our own demons. The first time I spoke to him, I was enamored by his words. I remember every detail of our first meeting, the first kiss, staying in his bed that night, waking up the next morning to him. I knew that next morning, whatever was going to happen would either break me or make me stronger. 

It took us 6 years from that first night together to get here. Here? What a concept, it has been rocky. Nothing good comes easy. He is good, I am not easy. Despite my best efforts he is guarded, as if he is waiting for me to stop loving him and leave. Although, I never was the one to leave in the past. Even now, I find I am the one chasing him, texting him, wanting to reassure him. I sometimes forgot about me. What I needed, wanted, who reassured me? 

Love is difficult, and anyone who says otherwise is either a saint or lying! The highs are great, but the lows they can feel like an inferno. He can become cold, silent, and unloving. I become insecure and frightened like a child afraid to lose a puppy. I start to try to do things I think will make him happy, making myself more difficult to communicate with. His ability to not show emotion and remain stoic shakes me at my core.  This is the struggle with someone like him and me. I love with my heart on my sleeve, his is covered in armor. It is frustrating and reminds me that patience is not always my strong suit. As I don't always see my flaws, which trust me are many! I do not think he realizes how guarded he can be.

When I started this post, we were happy. Somehow things changed. I wonder if I had told him all of this, if it would have changed anything? The ending, it broke me just like I had predicted. The tears come and go like a leaky faucet you keep trying to repair. I want to talk to him, see him, hold him... and then I remember that no longer is an option. I want to call him I really do, even though he said he wants to be friends. Then I hear "why call him he isnt contacting you?" and I put the phone down. His words echo in my ears, how he doesn't want to be in this relationship and how unhappy he was. I keep hoping it is a bad dream, he is going to wake up and miss me... but alas it is just a dream.  

Don’t get me wrong, I had thought of being friends. He was my person, but we just aren’t compatible (his words not mine). I don’t even know what that means. Isn't that something you know months into a relationship, not years? However, over the past year when I felt things falling apart. I noticed I was more like his friend than his lover. I held on hoping things would get better. Asking over and over for reassurance that things were okay. He never mentioned being unhappy before that night. I replay every conversation trying to figure out what went wrong. After a lot of thinking I realize if I gave him friendship it would just be me holding onto a hope of a future. And I would, wholeheartedly! Why? Love! It is such a small word, but it can make you do crazy things. Yet, I love this man with all his quirks and scars. 

I know I cannot change his mind, which is something he would need to do. Trust me, I wanted to try. He won’t, it’s not his character. That would be that stoic man in him. There is no grand gesture like they play in the movies. No guy at my door holding signs that proclaim his love and how he was wrong. That is for Hollywood only! For now, I take each day one moment at a time, until I can finally go an hour without crying. For me, that will be progress. The heart will heal, of this I am sure, but the pain may last an eternity.