Oh What A Ride

When I was a kid my favorite ride at the amusement park was the roller coaster. That feeling you get as you wait in line to get on the ride is exhilerating, you can feel your stomach in knots. The sweet smell of cotton candy being made, it's so fragrant you can taste it in your mouth. You are excited and yet  nervous. You have ridden this ride before, and it awakens you. Life and love are similar to that roller coaster, its so sweet and yet everything in you is excited and nervous. Why is it so easy to love a ride that can always leave you feeling so many emotions? 

My life has been a bit chaotic over the past few years. Nothing has made sense and everyday I wake up  on that roller coaster. I feel the way it pulls me up the big hill, slowly creeking toward the top. I am terrified of the first drop and I know it is coming. My stomach is in knots, I hold on so tight, barely breathing. Suddenly just when I am comfortable going up the hill, I drop fast, its much steeper than I recall, I feel everything in me. I put my hands up as if I am letting go, the ride evens out for only a moment before whipping me into a turn. Up another hill and back down, over and over whipping from turn to turn. I can taste it all... feel it all. The taste is bittersweet, sweet like that cotton candy in the air, and bitter like a lemon with all my fears and doubts. 

As with so many things in life we tend to stay longer, hoping that the ride no longer scares us. Thinking if we go on one more time we wont be so terrified going up that first hill. That is the one thing that gets me the most, knowing that the drop is inevitable and somehow still taking the chance. We seek the thrill, and crave it. Yet, we fear it. 

We crave love, seek forgiveness, long for affection. When received it is the thrill of the ride. Once it is taken, it is the drop all over again, whipping you around until you finally come to a stop... feet back on the ground... you're stable and somehow you get back in line to go on again. Maybe that is the thrill never knowing when the drop will happen or which turn is next. When the ride will come to a stop. I feel like I have been on this ride for far too long and unable to get off. I keep putting my hand up to get off the ride, but the conductor keeps letting me ride. I am tired of the ups and downs. The bitter has taken over the sweet and I am ready to get off, if just to catch my breath. 

Finally it comes to a stop, I remove the harness that has strapped me in, I feel free yet terrified. I step towards the exit and get to the front. Which way do I go? I look at the line, and it's calling me to get back on... I take a step forward then I look towards the other rides. I see the Merry Go Round, I never liked that ride it was boring and so predictable, but maybe I need boring right now. As I turn to walk away I look back one last time tears swelling in my eyes.. I dont want to leave this one it was my favorite. I take one step at a time toward the  other rides, glancing back and I realize there will be another roller coaster, bigger more exciting and as I continue to the Merry Go Round... I feel calm. Maybe that is what it's all about the calm, before the next big ride. For this moment, I am going to sit on this bench take in all the memories that ride gave me... and finally just breathe.