The Broken Me

Its been a while since I have written, maybe I was caught up in life or maybe I was caught up in him. I spent the last four years of my life living for someone other than me. I realized it after it was over, not a choice I made, this choice was his like every break we've taken before. This left me reeling with a ton of emotions and thoughts I didn't know how to process. Things I haven't told a soul, but have thought about several times... Before you think the worst no not anything that could harm me. I thought about leaving, changing myself, reinventing me... None of that made sense... so what I decided was how to find the beauty in the broken me. 

So many of us have had our hearts broken, been hurt, it takes so much more than many know to get through it. I have probably made every person I know sick of my constant crying... though the tears are more than anyone ever knows. I hide it well, in the shower, car, in the dark... and oh the venting. I vented over and over about the things he did that I hated, but yet I still deep down want him back. I say want because my heart does want him back. My head knows different. How do you move forward when the head and heart don't seem to agree? 

Most friends will always pick your side in a break up, even if you know you may have been wrong. If we are lucky we have that one friend who is gonna call us on our bullshit. I happen to have a few of those friends, and I am thankful when they point out my flaws and imperfections. However, this time they didn't think I did anything wrong, but I did. Actually I knew I did. Trying to convince them was a bit different. I tried to justify every bad thing about this break up, and I even tried to convince him to change his mind. I am not really sure why women always grovel for men, we don't look attractive doing this. Even if we feel its a mistake to break up, why do we constantly beg for love? 

I am definitely not a certified psychologist, or even a couples counselor to give advice. Trust me if I was giving out the professional advise I would have to give refunds. What I have learned is experience. This heartbreak has been the worst of my 52 years. Trust me I thought I had been through it all. Even as I write this, I am still in some ways begging him to love me. I have even become the woman who doesn't tell it like it is to save an argument. I have stopped loving myself to love him more. I have justified his lack of affection toward me, as things that I did to cause his loss of interest. Assuming the cause was due to things I have not done correctly in this relationship.

As I sit here pondering the love I had and wondering if it is somehow salvageable I also miss me. I have the paddles in my hand and have been doing CPR on this for months now. I am not yet ready to call the time of death, are any of us ready to admit we lost our heart? As he moves on with his life I cant help but wonder whose heart I am trying to revive. I am hoping for a miracle and yet at the same time I can see there is possibly no life left in this. CLEAR I hit the heart again, and yet it is still flatlining... yet I still cant call the time. Maybe, just maybe, someone else can pull the plug for me...I cant seem to do it myself.. truth is I think he already did and I am just holding onto the hope of a miracle. Paddles down time of...







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