Can You Be Friends?
I have recently been trying
to process my break-up. I replay every word, every argument, every conversation
we had, every kiss, touch, etc. I keep thinking I could have done something
differently. In the wake of the destruction, he wants to be friends. What does
that mean? What does friendship look like when one person changes, and the
other remains in love? Is there a friendship after the end of a relationship?
Or is it just the consolation prize offered to soften the blow? Like the one
you get when you lose at a carnival.
This has been confusing for
me in so many ways. I cannot imagine a life without my ex in it. However, how
can you be friends with someone you are still in love with? Someone who
shattered your heart into a million pieces. I have written out lists, imagined
every scenario. I keep coming back to the past year of our relationship. How I
would tell him I feel more like his friend than his lover. For him inevitably
nothing would change he would still have me in his life. For me everything has
changed. There is no more hope that we can fix our relationship. No more nights
where I can go over and lay next to him after a bad day. That is not how
friendships work. There is nothing tethering us together.
I have watched him move on as
if nothing bothers him. He is out with friends living his life while I sit home
crying. We are in very different places. I am not a selfish person. I would
give anyone anything I could to help them. However, this is not helping me. The
ironic thing is I don't even really believe he wants a friendship. I think it
is to make him feel better for breaking my heart.
I gave it go, hung out, had
an amazing night. I even almost kissed him again. I don’t kiss my friends.
Well, not how I wanted to kiss him. I was strong, yet so weak. I could have
crumbled at his touch, like the infrastructure of a tattered building. Thank
goodness, he didn’t touch me much. That night was perfect. However, the rest of
the weekend was rough. I was sad, emotional, broken. Like that little girl,
looking for her puppy. Confused in the aftermath, even more than before.
The other night we were at
pool and as I was leaving, he says "you look lovely today". Do you
even know how long I have wanted a compliment from him? How many times in four
years he told me he did not because others always did, or I complimented
myself. It was like he was trying to pull me back in, yet he does not want me
as a girlfriend. This made me so angry. Why did it make me so upset? I am
clearly not crazy (well not institutional crazy). In that moment I realized
maybe some people are not meant to be our friends. They are just people we must
let go of no matter what the heart wants. Eventually, like all things the heart
will mend, the foundation will be rebuilt, and I will somehow find my strength
again. Grab your hard hat and work boots, something tells me this construction site may be a bit of a danger zone.
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