There’s Got To Be More

​It’s one of those nights I hang out with him, he is supposed to be my escape. The place I feel safe, loved, accepted, never too much. Yet, like every night I am here I feel like a nuisance. He barely even speaks to me. When I touch him he pulls away like a wounded animal. Like I’m an annoyance he has become accustomed to. A growth he can’t remove. That is how I feel these days. What happens when the love is empty? You’ve gone ten rounds in the ring and yet you still stay there? Is this the love that we all believed in and craved? The companionship we spent our nights waiting for, wishing on stars for?  I can’t help but believe there has got to be more than this life. 

I was recently reminded by my past this is not who I am. I was more, was enough, was never too much! How did I not remember that on my own? Men used to crave my touch, my sensuality, I was a drug to them. I wasn't shy or timid.  Who is the woman I see now? Older, in a relationship where I feel alone. Begging to be seen. Begging for a touch, a sign that I am loved, wanted, craved. Oh, how I miss the feeling of being desired. 

Most women would leave, I don’t. It’s not a fear of being alone. It’s the thought of giving up so much I have put in. The time, the effort, the love.  A love I still feel, yet it’s less. I wonder if he even knows, does he even sense it? Does he notice that I am just here, hollow, alone? How much longer can I stay in the ring? It’s been nearly five years, the highs are great yet they are rare. The lows are more frequent, it is the normal. This is where "there has to be more to life" comes in. 

Do we stay because we love or do we stay out of fear someone else will get what we believe we deserve? Is that enough to stay in a place where you feel like you are too much? I don’t know the answers, but the woman I was reminded of isn’t this woman. She was a bad ass! She had no fear of moving on, accepting the fate ahead and heading toward the open road. That woman was me. I think I miss her. The way life didn't break her, she thrived through everything, even that bad times. She didn't settle on the bare minimum she wanted it all and never stopped. This version, she is complacent. 

Maybe I am not ready to get out of the ring completely. Maybe I still have some fight in me. What I do know is the woman I was would never be okay with complacent. The ring could use some of the bad ass woman I remember. Gloves on, dancing in the circles just before the knockout. Eventually the ring will be too small for this dance. Question is who will be waiting in my corner? Ding ding another round begins... and just like that the time starts again... Do I want this life or am I ready for more? A place where me being too much is not a burden, but something that is envied and embraced. A place where there is more… where I am more.