The Beauty Of The Broken You

I have recently been trying to process my break-up. I replay every word, every argument, every conversation we had, every kiss, touch, etc. I keep thinking I could have done something differently. In the wake of the destruction, he wants to be friends. What does that mean? What does friendship look like when one person changes, and the other remains in love? Is there a friendship after the end of a relationship? Or is it just the consolation prize offered to soften the blow? Like the one you get when you lose at a carnival.  This has been confusing for me in so many ways. I cannot imagine a life without my ex in it. However, how can you be friends with someone you are still in love with? Someone who shattered your heart into a million pieces. I have written out lists, imagined every scenario. I keep coming back to the past year of our relationship. How I would tell him I feel more like his friend than his lover. For him inevitably nothing would change he would still have me in hi...

Another adventure with my love, it is crazy to think in our time together we have gone on road trips, travelled across the country, and share a bed in a small space, yet its perfect with him next to me. I bet he does not even know how much each of these adventures have meant to me. What he has brought to my life. How I couldn't possibly ever want to go anywhere without him. Alas, we are different. Like Venus and Mars. However, like all planets in the solar system we somehow seem to spin in a constellation that always leads me back to him.  The tattered man in my life has had a tough one, from a childhood with a less than perfect homelife to an adult who was insecure and scared. People have betrayed him he has loved and been hurt. So much so that he has this constant guard, like he is waiting for something to go wrong. I often wonder if he does not believe he is worthy of true love. As if he somehow believes that it is not possible for someone, me, to love him damaged, and scared....

Its been a while since I have written, maybe I was caught up in life or maybe I was caught up in him. I spent the last four years of my life living for someone other than me. I realized it after it was over, not a choice I made, this choice was his like every break we've taken before. This left me reeling with a ton of emotions and thoughts I didn't know how to process. Things I haven't told a soul, but have thought about several times... Before you think the worst no not anything that could harm me. I thought about leaving, changing myself, reinventing me... None of that made sense... so what I decided was how to find the beauty in the broken me.  So many of us have had our hearts broken, been hurt, it takes so much more than many know to get through it. I have probably made every person I know sick of my constant crying... though the tears are more than anyone ever knows. I hide it well, in the shower, car, in the dark... and oh the venting. I vented over and over about t...

Somebody once told me don't expect to get what you give. They also told me anyone worth having would give you more than you ask for. Smart man that guy. I have recently been reflecting on my life and the things I have in it. Who? Who is in my life that brings me something that I can bring back to the relationship? I don't mean materialistic things. I am talking about the bigger things, love, friendship, communication, realness, honesty, trust, etc. Things that cannot be measured by some financial standing. Things that are more than just words, but actions. It left me wondering, do you always get what you give? I am not one to sit here and ponder the what ifs in my life, I have far too many things to reminisce about. The one who treated me like a princess, I didn’t really appreciate him. The one who made me feel like I was always perfect, I did not see the same perfections. It is funny how life works, like some kind of movie you are stuck in. Only don't we write our own sc...