Hello.. Can You Hear Me?

As I sit here and write this I cant even begin to imagine how I got here. That place where I don't know how to speak loud enough for you to hear me. Where I cant say what I think without the fear of a fight. I've become a person I don't really know anymore. This isn't me... I am the girl who speaks her mind freely, who says it like is, the one who was once not afraid to lose, because life is always worth the gamble. This is a new territory for me, someone throw me a compass... I for sure am lost.

Most of my posts are some kind of snarky humor with a lot of honesty. This one might be the most real. The one that sets my world into chaos. Yet, I am not afraid. I have lost it all before, came back stronger, smarter, and a hell of a lot happier. So, why is it so many of us women seem to forget how strong we really are? What makes us happy? Who makes us happy? Its not some gift given to you, or words said by someone you love. The truth is we find happiness in ourselves. Where did we lose our voice to speak up? Where did I?

Lets just take it back a bit, okay more than a bit... I am the girl who people love for her honesty. I could say something to you and mean it, not to hurt you, but to not bullshit you. Most of us have too many of those friends in our lives. Ya know, the bullshitter! I am still her with my friends. I pride myself on being that person. Who wants that in life? Not me for sure, tell me how it is, don't sugar coat it, don't gripe and wine behind my back... say what you need to say. I appreciate it.

I didn't lose that girl, she is still here to be honest with those around me, who I lost, what I lost is more personal. I lost me, I lost my voice. The one that is the most important... I lost how to speak up for me. I can hear myself in my head, saying how I feel, what I need... but my words don't come out. Like a girl who is lost hiding in a small room away from the world afraid of the outcome.

Maybe it is not the fear of being hurt, or hurting someone. Maybe I am afraid that I have been wrong in being who I am... What is that song? I am woman hear me roar.. maybe we don't need to roar to be heard. What if we can just speak and people will listen? How do we speak when we forgot how? What if I speak up and no one hears me?  The truth is, we can all forget how to speak up and be heard, how we find ourselves is another question. Today I am going to stand up and speak, not roar I am not ready for that. Maybe, next week... today I just need to be heard. Here goes, lungs take a deep breath... and let it out.. for I do have a voice and it needs to be heard! Don't we all need to be heard?


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